Another Mid-Autumn Festival

Five years ago I wrote “Lonely as the moon” in my blog during my last year of master’s study, feeling lonely, confused and frustrated due to the study, insufficient hope of finding a job, and most importantly, not having someone by my side whom I can talk with and listen to. I prayed to the moon in hope of finding a girlfriend, and magically it worked within a few months. Now that this girlfriend has become my wife, the emptiness still rises from deep inside.

I’ve never foreseen this coming. I thought distance wouldn’t matter to loving hearts. Maybe not much, but little by little things can go from bad to worse. Today I really felt threatened. It made me horrified to just think about the one I love could leave me, and that not living together opens harmful uncertainties. I wish I had communicated more and made her happier. I wish I had continued my job in Finland so that she didn’t have to go back to China. I wish I had appreciated her love earlier so that she doesn’t think I’m still as stubborn as I used to be. I wish I had given her everything. I wish I had focused on solving currently problems and hadn’t thought about our future plans too pessimistically.

Now I have a more clear goal: just to keep her happy and feel being loved by me. I’m going to fixed what I’ve screwed up. I’ll talk equally without judgements and listen with appreciation. Offer to help but not mandate. Become more attractive, supportive, romantic, confident and cheerful. Make more money or at least explain the plans and follow them up. Care about her and let her know to make her secure. Love her. Create a family atmosphere for us.

She is my wife and I’m her man.

Today the moon is as bright as it was five years ago. I’m sure it has heard me well.

The plethora of opportunities

For most of us, we live in a society with abundant resources: delicious food to taste, delicate clothes to put on, various activities to attend to, wonderful places to visit and numerous things to do. Yet, all these abundance are not necessarily good for us: we’re getting distracted to the extend that we don’t know what exactly we’re chasing for.

Some people say we are getting superficial — that we are trying endlessly from one thing to another and shortly getting tired of each of them. But this superficialness doesn’t come from nothing. We’re superficial not because there exist many temptations, instead, we’re not able to resist these temptations that trick us into thinking about illusions and trajectories of ourselves. We try to find life meanings by doing things but often end up in vain, maybe the right way to go is not finding meanings: maybe it’s the other way round. How we do things and live our lives is simply the meaning.

The meaning of a nomad’s life is traveling and not settling anywhere. The life meaning of a adventurer is adventure. A person focusing constantly on something becomes an expert.

Opportunities are always there, but we are not. It’s not an opportunity without the capability of taking advantage of it, be it the accumulation of prior experiences or fast learning and adapting abilities.

Indeed there are too many opportunities, however, one does not need thousands of opportunities to succeed. One is enough. Prepare for it, focus on it, reach for it before it comes to you and let it work for you.

Otaniemi from 80m above

Today I had a meeting in Otaniemi and finally managed to visit the possibly the highest building in this area: the water tower. It’s quite a nice view up there. The water tower is build on top of a small hill around 30m high; and the tower itself is about 50m — that makes it standing 80m from the sea level and on top of which it gives a perfect bird view to the whole Otaniemi area.

It’s said that with totally cloudless weather, one can even see as far as Tallinn, which sits around 80km away in the south. That’s pretty amazing!

There is one seagull nest on the roof and there are some eggs waiting to be hatched in it. We saw the seagull circling above us. Fortunately it wasn’t so aggressive to try to attack us, yet.

By the way, the water tower is designed by Alvar Aalto, after which Aalto University is named.

A look upwards to the tower:

Off back home early. It was a nice day!

Opinions

Positive thoughts today:

  1. I made a few slides this morning and found myself to be more efficient in preparing slides that expected. Also I managed to find the company template and icons for making computer networking slides. They make life much easier. And, Ericsson icons looks nicer than Cisco ones. They give a cleaner look and are easier to change the color and to scale.
  2. During lunch we discussed about alcohol, and I was told that good Vodka does not taste anything. This relieves me since the Russian Vodka I bought last year doesn’t have any taste and someone told me it might have been made from industrial alcohol and water. Nice to know that, even though I don’t drink.
  3. I’ve been listening to Johnathan Lee’s songs during work. His songs are very toughing. The more I listen to them, the more I like them.
  4. Saw a provoking African proverb on Google+: “If  you think you’re too small to make a difference, you haven’t spent a night with a mosquito.”
  5. It’s nice to have others sharing some of my feelings: guys never know what girls are thinking. (Picture link shared by Mohit and Nalin.) See picture here: http://thedoghousediaries.com/3291

Giving name to a Finnish baby

Today was a good day, thanks to the following things:

  1. It was nice to talk with a colleague from Ericsson Beijing. I got to know what’s going on in China through someone else’s eyes. Also I know how it looks to work in Beijing and how a different job may feel like. She said working in Operations is quite stressful and may require a lot of night shifts, which is not good for anyone’s health. One of her colleagues in Japan had worked night shifts continuously for 90 days… I feel lucky to work in a job that is less likely to cause health problems, although sometimes I do want a bit more pressure.
  2. During lunch we were chatting and one topic came out when discussing giving names to babies. It turns out that Finns give names to their babies secretly for the first three month after the baby is born. That’s probably due to religious reasons, i.e., the devils can not claim the baby if it doesn’t bear a name. It’s also funny that Finns wait until the baby is born to give it a name, simply because they want to make sure the baby’s image matches the name. Hmm, how can you possibly do that? How do you know how “Jussi” should look like? Well, Finns simply do.
  3. I succeeded to revert my Galaxy Tab back to stock version, there wasn’t any noticeable damage to it. It’s nice to have a working tablet that a brick.
  4. I got a clearer view of the short-term goal of the project I’m currently working on.
  5. There are a lot of spam comments in my website, luckily the Akismet plugin successfully blocked all of them. Akismet is free of charge and it works like magic.
  6. Yesterday I managed to update my WordPress Responsive Theme to the latest version, and managed to fix the “number of comments title wrongly aligned” issue.

GitHub couples

I’m feeling good today because of theses things:

  1. My mobile phone ran out of battery and the alarm clock didn’t ring this morning, but I still managed to get up just in time and caught the bus at the last minute — and arrived at the company at my usual time.
  2. My manager told me it looks positive to renew my contract and hopefully it will be one and half years. He also says he tries to get it done before the summer vacation, which makes my life a lot easier. Also he says it’s possible to save my holidays till winter. So I’ll be back in China for some time in winter this year.
  3. A very old lady managed to stop and got on the bus even though she waved her hand a bit late to the bus driver. The bus driver was polite and that what I like about Finland: people generally don’t get angry.
  4. Here’s one very funny and geeky picture I saw from xda-developers. In case the link gets invalidated later, the picture reads: “So, where did you two meet?” “Windows users: at the office” “Mac users: at Starbucks” “Linux users: GitHub”.

 

Positive Thinking

I found one of the most fascinating talks in TED is given by Shawn Achor: The happy secret to better work. I’ve watched it for several times and each time I see it, I find it even more inspiring. Following Shawn’s suggestion, I’m trying to list three things that make me happy everyday. Here it goes:

  1. I’m happy that I woke up late and had sufficient sleep.
  2. Immediately after I woke up I went to have lunch with my friends. The food was great and it is always nice to be with friends. And now we are going to have dinner together again. 🙂
  3. The weather is great. I’m very grateful for that.
  4. My neighbor is back from a one-month travel and gives me a pack of chocolate. It’s also nice to hear her travel experiences.
  5. See the following picture:

Summary of 2011 and New Year’s Resolution

This year is approaching to its end at such a high speed that, before I realize it, there’re barely ten days left. It has been a busy and fruitful year for me. And it started quite well, too. I believe it’s beneficial to summarize what has happened so far at this point, now that I’m waiting to go back home and enjoy my winter vacation in one and a half hours.

It began with the confirmation of being in love with my lovely girlfriend in the beginning of this year (or rather end of last year). It was hard to keep this relationship especially most of the time we are thousands of kilometers apart from each other. We have had problems and had argued and blamed each other. Luckily we went through those hard times. Now although she is still two hour’s flight away from me, we are making some progress. The progress reflects of course not only in the distance, but also in the expectations towards and understandings between us. I’d say to myself: “you’re not doing perfectly, but not terribly either. Keep improving.”

This year also marks the beginning of my career. I was fortunate enough to get position at Ericsson to do my thesis and be offered a contract when I was finalizing the thesis work. The work was not perfect neither, to be frank. I’m not gonna lie to myself, but I wished I were treated equally when doing my thesis, for example, it would have improved my moral a lot if I had been offered a salary for my thesis work. And it would definitely help a lot if my work gets fully and really appreciated. I understand it was the problem of both others and myself; I was not doing my best. I should have done a better job by not caring too much about what others do and think. Anyway in all I think this is a good start of my career despite of some of the downsides.

I finished my thesis in time and got my master’s degrees — a degree from Aalto and one from KTH. It’s not so difficult to get two, but people are often amazed at the fact.

I also did something ‘crazy’ — cycling for around 1,000 kilometers from Espoo to Rovaniemi, a town in the arctic circle. Looking back, it was not difficult, but I was glad that I did it. Though many others are surprised at that, I do not see the meaning of doing that. — “But why do one has to bother the meaning of doing something?” I also tried to put on some weight and succeeded. I went to the gym for around two months with a colleague and successfully gained around five kilograms. I guess that was the first time when my weight has exceeded 120.

Looking forward, I have a few resolutions:

First of all, getting myself heard. This involves not only improving my english and language skills, but also expressing my feelings. I need to convey my ideas, my emotions, and my interests to others, so that hopefully they will see to it that I’m no longer ignored. I have also set some concrete goals for the next year: 1) talk to at least five persons face to face each day. 2) Get some publications and patent approved. 3) Pass at least two Ericsson’s internal certifications.

Secondly, improve my professional competence. I’ve targeted my competence as efficient and quick programming, especially in networking protocols. I also need to recap the complicated but efficient data structures and algorithms.

Thirdly, take good care of my physical and psychological health. I should resume going to the gym.

Last but not least, giving more time to the ones I love — my family and my friends. They’re one of the most important things in one’s life, if not THE one.

I shall keep all the determinations in mind and come back to them regularly, and monitor the progress of executing all these tasks.

新年好

越长大,越觉得一年晃起来真快。嘴角还有去年除夕跟同学一起包的饺子的余香,一眨眼又过了一年。想细细清点一下过去的一年,发现竟然没有多少回忆还存在脑海。当然有几件事情这辈子我也不会忘记。

No. 1 的大事就是找到女朋友了。她是一个年轻漂亮的姑娘,一双小眼睛在笑起来的时候总会躲的不见踪影,白皙的皮肤没有丝毫瑕疵,胖嘟嘟的小脸蛋总让我想抚摸亲吻;她会让我围她的围巾,或者让我把我的围巾给她围上;她说要让我的围巾留有她的香味,嗯,现在闭上眼闻的话隐约还有……她有主见有想法,独立坚强,不同于我见过的任何女生;她偶尔也会任性,看电影也会看得流眼泪;她会看着我傻傻的笑,比我看着她的傻笑还傻……她比女神更美,却没有那样遥不可及,她是我的女人……

No. 2 的事情就是今天刚得到的消息,毕设有着落了。在某个公司的实验室做,虽然看我有奖学金不给钱,但我也知足了,先攒点经验再说。

No. 3,出国一年半之后总算回了趟国,那个还是让我爱恨交加的祖国。朋友们还是老样子,没有我之前害怕的隔阂;家人身体也好,思想也在尽量向我靠拢。

No. 4,嗯,没有了……

新的一年祝大家心想事成,想啥有啥;祝女朋友身体健康,万事如意,早日拿到心仪的offer;祝她的家人身体健康,家庭和睦,财源广进;祝我的家人和亲朋好友身体健康,事事顺心;祝自己新的一年过的充实精彩,早日跟女朋友团聚,顺利毕业找到心仪的工作。

新年新气象,大家吃好喝好玩好睡好,新的一年混好!

搬家

不知不觉出来已经将近一年时间了,在瑞典的这一年里,老实说我并没有学到很多东西。也许是自己当初期望过高,所以才有这种感觉。学业上没有丝毫进步,甚至有所后退。但是这一年却实实在在的开阔了眼界,包括对这个世界、各个国家的政治经济和文化的认识,对人生的感悟都有突破。不敢说自己成熟了,但我想自己现在应该比以前更能适应现实的残酷和无奈,而自己的价值观也随着这些认识变得更加世俗。

现在已经搬到了芬兰,看着满大街的芬兰语,感觉自己又一次变成了文盲。学的瑞典语似乎没什么用,也不知道是不是自己学的不够。每次想说“Tack”的时候总是得憋回去,而“Kiitos”也好像不那么顺口。

不知道为什么,我总是期望着离开一个地方,在国内的时候总是想赶快离开那片土地,几个月前又开始期待着离开瑞典。离开是一种逃避,是一种解脱。离开时可以抛下一些东西,一些记忆;离开时可以憧憬新的忙碌的生活,可以改头换面重新做人。就像给电脑重装系统一样,跟一些文件说拜拜,装好系统之后重新布置安装各类软件,期望完事之后系统能快一点。

原来这就是我这么爱重做系统的原因。

活在当下

最近比较忙,但是很奇怪,往往在最忙的时候,我却想写点儿什么。可能是因为忙的时候思维比较活跃,闲的时候大脑就自动降频节能了吧。

以前一直不太愿意把自己的所有想法都直截了当的表达出来,总以为以后肯定会找到现在想法的不恰当地方,或者害怕现在的想法成为以后他人抨击批判的把柄。但是人的想法总是在随着时间的推移和环境的变化不断改变,而且现在生活处于不稳定时期,心理也为完全成熟,所以现在我的所作所为所言,均不能代表若干年后的我还会继续类似的举止。就像有些人小时候天真烂漫,长大之后却整天忧心忡忡,城府极深的样子。

以前每天劝诫自己活在当下就好,以后的会发生怎样的事情,无论是谁都不能预料的,坦然的面对现在,何必苦苦算计下一刻会有什么到来呢?或悲或喜,其实又有什么大不了呢?人生如潮涌,可以影响它的因素太多,不如索性什么都不管。与其劳精费神的猜测未来,还不如惬意的享受眼前的风景,或者专注现在的挫败。

人生必不会如我策划的那样运行,正因为这样,人生才有意思;否则每个人的一生都像情节类似的剧情片,不同的只是演员和道具,那样的人生有何盼头?纵然策划如何精妙,也许下一刻就会有天灾人祸,或者下一年就是世界末日也未可知。

活在当下,丢掉一切包袱,只留一身清爽去享用那些扑面而来的惊喜。

 

一年之前一年之后

一年之前我在申请留学的路上挣扎
一年之后我在留学的路上挣扎

一年之前我在为GRE单词头痛
一年之后我在为各种单词头痛

一年之前上课懒得听因为老师水平有限
一年之后上课懒得听因为听也听不懂

一年之前做实验我想把老师赶出去
一年之后做实验老师想把我赶出去

一年之前我鄙视同学
一年之后同学鄙视我

一年之前懒得做项目因为我有准备GRE的借口
一年之后懒得做项目因为别人不需要我去添麻烦

一年之前我在为几千块人民币的奖学金纠结
一年之后我在为几千块欧元的奖学金纠结

一年之前我去食堂吃饭一个月吃同样的菜
一年之后我在家做饭一个月吃同样的菜

一年之前我空虚的去追一个不认识的女生
一年之后我空虚的根本没心情去追女生

一年之前我有生日愿望但没有实现
一年之后我都懒得许愿

一年之前我孤芳自赏
一年之后我都懒得鄙视自己了

一年之前我想看书但是没时间
一年之后我有时间但是不想看书

一年之前我迷茫但我自大
一年之后我只能卑微的迷茫着

一年之前我累但我知道我在干什么
一年之后我累但我不知道为何这么累

一年之前我拼命想解决问题
一年之后我拼命想躲避问题

一年之前我是我
一年之后我不知道我是谁了

 

面对过去

一直以来,我都不敢面对过去。以前的日记,小条,书信,手工作品……都被自己销毁了,因为我害怕看到当年的幼稚,或者不屑于回忆儿时的琐碎或单纯。一直都在幻想自己的未来,却无法正视自己以前做出的决定,不敢评断过去的是非。

所以,现在我已经看不清自己,不知自己从何而来,也不知自己去向何处。没有模糊的脚印告诉我我的起点,也没有明灯告诉我前方是什么。自己只是在漆黑中摸索,却不知道自己想要什么。

也许,我应该打开那些尘封已久的记忆,重新面对自己。无论过去如何懦弱和无知,我都不应该刻意去忘却或抹杀。卸下那些貌似坚硬的伪装,以一颗常人的心来看待自己,认识自己。可以嘲弄自己的过去,却不能假装自己没有过去!在那些发霉的往事中,我才能找到自己。

 

振作

突然发现二月只有28天,这意味着我必须用四天的时间来写好开题报告。一直以为还有一个星期的……

前段时间什么事都不想做,整天就这么懒洋洋的耗着,也不知道为什么这么没动力。后来听到“Rise And Fall”,这几句歌词也许可以解释:

Sometimes in life you feel the fight is over, and it seems as though the writings on the wall,superstar you finally made it

但是对我来说,the fight is far from over; and I’m no way a superstar. So gear up for the new fight — the final fight in my undergraduate life.

Light up! ‘Coz I’ve no other choices.