Another Mid-Autumn Festival

Five years ago I wrote “Lonely as the moon” in my blog during my last year of master’s study, feeling lonely, confused and frustrated due to the study, insufficient hope of finding a job, and most importantly, not having someone by my side whom I can talk with and listen to. I prayed to the moon in hope of finding a girlfriend, and magically it worked within a few months. Now that this girlfriend has become my wife, the emptiness still rises from deep inside.

I’ve never foreseen this coming. I thought distance wouldn’t matter to loving hearts. Maybe not much, but little by little things can go from bad to worse. Today I really felt threatened. It made me horrified to just think about the one I love could leave me, and that not living together opens harmful uncertainties. I wish I had communicated more and made her happier. I wish I had continued my job in Finland so that she didn’t have to go back to China. I wish I had appreciated her love earlier so that she doesn’t think I’m still as stubborn as I used to be. I wish I had given her everything. I wish I had focused on solving currently problems and hadn’t thought about our future plans too pessimistically.

Now I have a more clear goal: just to keep her happy and feel being loved by me. I’m going to fixed what I’ve screwed up. I’ll talk equally without judgements and listen with appreciation. Offer to help but not mandate. Become more attractive, supportive, romantic, confident and cheerful. Make more money or at least explain the plans and follow them up. Care about her and let her know to make her secure. Love her. Create a family atmosphere for us.

She is my wife and I’m her man.

Today the moon is as bright as it was five years ago. I’m sure it has heard me well.

月亮般孤独

又在电脑前坐了一天,就写了一页论文。到了晚上像被什么召唤似的,出去沿着海边转了一圈。寂静的树林里只有自己的脚步声,偶尔微风拂过,树叶也只轻轻喧闹一阵,然后又似婴儿睡觉一样没了声响。昏黄的路灯透过树叶,把斑驳的影子随意的洒在碎石路上。我踩着这些精灵似的影子,小心翼翼的往前走。前面除了树、灯光和影子之外什么都没有。不过在这个仲秋的夜里,我能对这片树林有什么期待呢?再说树林中昏暗的路灯已经给了我足够的惊喜了。

走出树林来到海边,在一个冰冷的长凳上坐下,满天找寻月亮的踪迹。可是天上只有一些星星,杂乱的点缀在天空那块黑幕上。这些星星也不像小时候的家乡的星星,它们总会像老相识一样对我眨眼睛。也许是远在他乡,那些幼时的玩伴已经认不出我了吧。

一大片云层后面似乎有什么在跳动,最后它终于挣脱了白云,露出了疲惫的面庞。

“你给我带来远方亲人的祝福了吗?”

但是它沉默不语,像睿智的老者一样,什么都不说,让我自己思考。我仔细端详它的脸庞,上面数不尽的沟壑述说着它的沧桑。它疲倦的眼睛,缓慢的步伐,无一不在向我无言的倾述。

“我知道,我跟你一样孤独寂寞。”

它脸色一亮,随即又黯淡了下去。我收回目光,朝远处望去。海上波光粼粼,偶尔也会有一些不一样的涟漪,在中间一点,然后迅速的散向四方。我呆呆的看着,脑袋中放映着小美人鱼的故事。那么在我去不了的海底,有没有一个美人鱼把我当做她的王子呢?

我自嘲的笑着,心突然揪成一团,我紧紧地抱住自己,蜷缩在长凳上。

“如果我向老天祈求,他会给我一个女朋友吗?”我继续异想天开,随后脑中浮现出一个人手拿三炷香,虔诚的跪在寺庙,一面磕头一面口中喃喃“我要女朋友,要好多女朋友”的奇景。

一抬头,发现月亮都笑了。