Internet is a good thing: it allows us to see and experience things that were not possible decades ago. On the other hand, it’s sometimes also overwhelming. When I see capable people doing amazing stuff on the Internet, very often I feel I’m not worth of what people think I am. Occasionally I thought it’s because I’m shy and I’m usually not comfortable fully expressing my thoughts. In other occasions I’m simply not patiently enough to argue otherwise.
But it’s not just me. A lot of people are experiencing the same feeling and I’m starting to realize that I may be suffering from the imposter syndrome. After all, after so many years my personality has changed a lot. I’m no longer shy. I’m much more confident than I was. And I’m also a more capable person so I deserve a better life. It doesn’t feel right to be satisfied with what I’m getting. I’m better than that!
Meeting with people confirms that. There are a lot of people pretending to be expert in something and it seems they are enjoying quite a lot, although I can spot right on that they’re not what they believe they are. They’re not ashamed, why should I feel bad for myself? I’m much better a person than those real imposters, of course I deserve better things!
It’s more than a year since I wrote a blog post last time. A lot has happened during the past year. After years of depressing research career, I’ve published in a good conference and successfully defended my PhD. I’ve started working (again) in the industry. I’ve also found a long term direction that should keep me busy in the next five years. We’ve also got our foothold in Luxembourg, although there remains a lot to complete, it’s a good starting point. I’ll try to blog more often about what’s happening in my life, just to keep track of my thoughts and experiences, so that I can look back to them later and say “boy, I didn’t know I was so naïve a while ago.”
I’ve also updated my blog theme and fixed the HTTPS issue with WordPress and Cloudflare: I only needed to install the CloudFlare Flexible SSL plugin and enable “Automatic HTTPS Rewrites” on Cloudflare. Now the website feels more responsive and neater. That’s a good starting point to (re)start blogging!Leave a Comment
Two videos today. The first one: Real Beauty Sketches (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk).
We all get used to the good parts of ourselves and often get trapped in the parts that we don’t like about ourselves. However, others may not view you the same way as you do. Things you hate may be the favorite of another. In a different eye you are more beautiful than you think you are.
And the second one: Information management as an organization on Yabroad.com (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3IogtSHVR0).
I didn’t know I could make a video relatively smoothly with much confidence. But I made it. It sounds not bad. I’m confident when talking about things I know and familiar of. I’m not afraid of getting my voice heard. On those occasions when I’m reluctant to speak out, it’s not because of I’m afraid I have a horrible voice or my English is not interpretable. But now I know my voice is more than OK and so is my English. I just need a little confidence on the contents when I start to speak. I may do more of these in the future, but probably with a script before rolling the camera. 🙂
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Finally it makes sense to record every schedule/task of mine on Google Calendar. 😀Leave a Comment
I created a website for the project I’m working on and also filled in relevant information for it. The project has a acronym of “CIER“, which I put on the website as “Communication Infrastructure for Emerging Regions”. After I delivered it to my colleagues, my manager, and the project partners, everyone seemed to be OK with that. However when I looked back and went unsure about it; I remembered coming up with the full name when I just wanted to put something/anything there, without looking up the project documents… And when I checked them again later on, I was wrong. The full project name is “Converged Infrastructure for Emerging Regions” instead. I corrected it, and still feeling funny about it. My manager had found one of my typos mistaking “funding agency” for “founding agency”, however he didn’t notice the acronym error I’d made, and neither did anyone else. Most people don’t remember acronyms correctly when they’re not used very often, AFAIK.Leave a Comment
When I woke up this morning I tried to remember how to write a very simple Chinese character: “本”, it’s probably one of the most commonly used characters in Chinese — yet it’s took me a while to remember how to write it. Though it’s not the first time I experienced this, it’s still a bit embarrassing. I don’t believe it’s totally because of the fact that I’m not using Chinese much in my daily life, but rather I think it’s because of the fact that I’m using computers everyday and have no chance of practice writing Chinese. I remember not being able to write some characters even back in China…
Someone says on mitbbs.com that people tend to forget how to use non-native languages when they grow old. Well, I only hope I’m still able to communicate with others in one language — whichever language it is.4 Comments
There’s always something wrong
Something you desire but beyond your reach
Something you hate while happening to you all the time
You try to run away
Only to find it getting worse
Sadly you don’t have the courage to face them
They get on your nerves
You freak out
You just feel lonely
No one understands you
No one is even close
What’s the meaning of life
Maybe there isn’t any
Heaven may be nice
But who knows
Hell can be scary
Go for it
Or suck it upLeave a Comment
So this is it — I’ve decided not to write in Chinese anymore here on my website. Reasons being:
1. I need to practise English. The other day after an interview I was going to Jorvas with the interviewer.
He said, “Your English is good, better than most Chinese I’ve interviewed”.
I smiled, “I heard of the saying that when one is complimented that his English is good, it means he’s still not so good compared with native speakers”.
Then I explained, “My English isn’t as good as you’ve just seen; but I’m not afraid of speaking out and making mistakes; I don’t really like to hang out with Chinese either. I’m now in a foreign environment and I need to take advantage of this. Spending all days with a bunch of Chinese makes me feel like I’m still in China. And by the way, I’m not much a fan of China.”
Again I complimented him, “”Are you a Swedish-speaking-Finn? ‘Cause most Finns I’ve met don’t seem interested in Swedish — you talked to me in Swedish during the interview.”
“No, my mother tongue is Finnish. Most Finns study Swedish in school and they seldom find it useful. For me I go to Stockholm quite often and I’ve worked there for quite a period, so I got practising Swedish everyday with the Swedes.”
So that’s my point. Practice makes perfect.
2. I want to help the one I love with her English. I believe she is the only one seriously following my blog. She has read every single entry I posted here. By switching the language it may remind her keeping practising English.
3. I don’t have Chinese input in most of my OS’s. English is ubiquitous.
That was the preface. (*Long* preface as always, huh?)
Back to the interviewer I mentioned above. I met him again the other day in the restaurant. He looked at my ID badge and said, “Now you just started here and I’m leaving the company.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going to a start-up.”
I was surprised, “What kind of company are you starting up?”
“No, I’m not starting up my own company. I’m working with others.”
He told me their idea, sounds pretty promising. I was still surprised. Leaving a Chief Scientist position sounds like crazy for me. But I admire his courage. People do think differently.
This evening I was just opening my door and going cooking, when the girl across the hall opened her door at the same time. I said hi and she nodded back.
“By the way,” she went in and came out again, holding “The Epoch Times”, “is this your magazine? ‘Cause it’s Chinese.”
“No… But it’s kinda ‘illegal’ newspaper from the perspective of Chinese government.”
I took the newspaper and found here room number and my name written on it.
“Shit, where the hell did they get my name, and why they put her address.” I said to myself.
It was my first time talking talking with her and it turns out she’s planning to visit Beijing during the Christmas this year. She booked the ticked today and she wanted to go there because she “hates Christmas and the church”. She’s from Germany and has been here for several years. She first came to Finland as an high school exchange student and then got enrolled in the university.
“But I’m not really studying here. I’m working in a day-care and I’m transfering to the University of Amsterdam by the end of June. I have to study Dutch now.”
“But isn’t Dutch quite close to German?”
“Yes but I have to be as fluent as the native. I was studying Chinese but now I have to give my time to Dutch.”
I was surprised, again. Here when you talk to people you will aways be surprised, they always have something you’ve never thought of. She said two sentences in Chinese, not bad at all.
“I hope I can speak some Chinese when I arrive at Beijing.”
That may be one of the reasons why Chinese are so lagged behind. We talk too much but don’t know how to turn the big plans into actions. I’m ashamed of that.
Now I have two more reasons for not using Chinese anymore:
4. It’s much easier to record my daily life using English. I don’t have to translate everything into Chinese, which is really a pain in the ass.
5. English looks better with my current website template.
That’s it.4 Comments
我出手的时间似乎很好，因为刚才看了下，竟然又涨了五十英镑……Leave a Comment
估计这几天还得折腾这个东东。Leave a Comment
知不足而后进，所以这个周末我要好好补习一下，争取能有长足进展。Leave a Comment